Pink Flamingoes

Back in 2004, when Sarah and I first joined the work here in Tulsa, there was a teen girl that I was trying to reach out to and build a relationship. Her birthday came up, so I decided to surprise her. I got up that morning before school started and placed a pink flamingo in the ground right in front of her door. I put a "Happy Birthday" note on the plastic bird. She was surprised. All day she tried to think about who did it. She called around after school and finally found the guilty party.

I was reminded of that as I saw her again this past week at our annual church camp. A group of college students from the University of Southern Florida come over and run a camp for our Contact youth, first grade to high school. It is quite the highlight of the year. She and her brother now live in Florida with their dad. Since they have been there, there has been transformation. They are in far less toxic environment with stability and support. The college group is an hour away from them in Florida, so they have lots of interaction. We are praying for them to find a church family to be connected to as they go home this week from camp.

They don't make pink flamingoes anymore, at least the last factory closed down here in America. As I saw this young lady little did I know that a pink flamingo would be a sign of hope as she and her brother now live in the land of pink flamingoes, Florida.

Crying for the "Tough Guys"

Today I went to visit a teen guy who presents a pretty tough facade. He has only come to Contact a handful of times, and those times were all about life on his terms. One of his first visits was at a basketball fellowship time with the teen boys. I laid out the rules of conduct for how we as guys need to respect each other. He came up to me after my talk when all the guys had cleared out from signing the contract of conduct. He felt like I was looking at him the whole time. I knew then that this guy had been judged before by people in authority and that this could be a rough relationship as he carried a chip on his shoulder.

Today we talked outside of his home on the small concrete slab of a front porch. We chatted for a while, and then he asked if I have a daughter. He then asked if I cried when she was born. I don't remember crying per se, but I do remember being close to it with all of the joy in the moment. He asked if my wife Sarah cried. Yep. He said, "That's dumb to cry about that." My knee jerk response was to give him the three point sermon about why he was wrong. I just said that crying is not a right or a wrong thing, not even a dumb thing. He said that he doesn't cry. He just holds in the anger and started to explain that this is probably why he feels so angry. He caught himself in the midst of this and went back to making rude comments. He made rude comments about stuff in which he knew nothing. He wanted to get a rise out of me, and with the Lord's grace, I didn't take the bait. He had felt uncomfortable letting his guard down, if even for a moment. I told him that I realize it's hard being uncomfortable talking about stuff on the inside, but he wasn't having anymore of that being vulnerable stuff.

He told me not to come back to his house anymore, that I was of no benefit to him. As I left him, I said, "I love you, man." He turned around and asked, "Are you gay?" I just said "no" and left the premises.

As I reflected on my drive back to Contact, I realized that this guy was throwing out at me all of the ugly stuff that he could muster. He wanted to see if I would beat him down, if I would judge him, if I would let him know that his hurt and anger was too ugly to look at. The ugliness coming out is a sign of the "ugliness" that he sees in himself--"Could God really love me as I am?" When I go to see him next time, I'll let him know.

Mother Daughter Tea- by Sarah

Last weekend the teen girls hosted a Mother Daughter Tea for their Moms and Grandmas. It was the result of several weeks of planning by the girls and numerous trips to the store by me. It was definitely worth it when I saw them sit down with the important women in their lives and enjoy tea, cookies, and laughter.

The girls gathered on Friday night and set up tables, arranged flowers, painted flowerpots (as gifts for moms), laid out centerpieces, etc… It was a late night, but well worth it. When we left the building, the Contact “café area” was transformed into a tearoom, complete with china teacups and cloth napkins. Quite different from our normal paper plate affairs at Contact!

Saturday afternoon my mom, grandma, and sister (who came into town for the event) helped me put the finishing touches which mostly involved making sure the food was ready- cucumber sandwiches, mini-tarts, and shortbread cookies, and of course, tea. The girls arrived with their moms and grandmas. We took their pictures together to remember the day. One of our teens, who generally has a very solemn demeanor, had the most beautiful smile for the camera.

When everyone had arrived they were welcomed by two of our girls. Then they were ready to serve tea and snacks to their families. In this soda pop and latte culture I truly expected everyone to just sip a little tea and be done. I was so surprised to see everyone, including the teens, going back for refills and enjoying the tea and company.

When the teapots were getting close to empty, we played a game, “How well do you know your mom/daughter?” I asked a series of questions such as: “What is your daughter’s favorite T.V. show?” and “What is your mom’s least favorite household chore?” It was so funny to watch the girls and their moms try to get inside each others’ heads. In the end, Porsche and her mom won the prize. This was especially meaningful since Porsche and her mom have only recently begun to develop much of a relationship.

I hope this is the beginning of a Contact Mother’s Day tradition. I loved watching the girls and their moms enjoy the time together, but I also enjoyed getting to help walk the girls through the planning of an event like this. I would guess most of our teens rarely sit down to a meal of any sort with their family, especially with fancy china and cloth napkins. This was an opportunity to learn how to plan an event, participate in a dress-up tea, and make a positive memory with family. Mission accomplished.

Special thanks to my mom, Mary Ashlock, my Grandma, Mary Wood, and my sister, Rachel for all their help. Thanks also to D. MacGuffee for letting us borrow her china. You guys helped provide a great memory for the girls and for me!

Pray for Everybody

I find in urban ministry that when you ask people what to pray for, they answer, "Well, just pray for everybody." A few years ago, a dear sister Marie Thomas in Memphis would always ask us to pray for everybody as we sat in her apartment unit waiting for her kids to come home from school. She died at the hospital, while taking care of one of her children. She had medical problems that she didn't seek help for because she was so busy thinking of her children. Yesterday I rolled around Tulsa with a young guy named Taylor. When I asked him who we could pray for, he said...you guessed it, "everybody." He didn't want to leave anyone out. He has a single dad who takes care of him and his sister. Tonight Miriam and I went to visit a family with nine children. One of them is on the verge of either going the way of the world or possibly the way of the Lord, probably the first option. When I asked his family what we could pray for, he said, "Everybody." I said, "Well, let's get more specific." The response "everybody" is a heavy burden that often leaves me speechless before God. They are right--we can't leave anybody out.

Cesar's Way

A few weeks ago at the library, I picked up the CDs for the book Cesar's Way. The author Cesar Milan is also known as the Dog Whisperer. What a name! I was excited to hear more from him since we have a 6-7 month old dog named Lucy. We got Lucy back in January from Mike and Kim, fellow Christians at the Contact Church. Mike and Kim get several dogs dropped at their doorstep, so they have a ministry to provide homes for these dogs. They called us about Lucy, and after some "counting the cost" discussions, Sarah, Miriam, and I took her into our lives. We are rather behind in knowing how to help a dog get trained, so Cesar was a welcome friend in helping us (and also Mike and Kim).

In the midst of listening to him (and watching him also on a DVD), here are some insights that have helped me from dog training in applying them to youth ministry (I hesitated to post this, but it really has helped me gain insight into how to train and nurture youth--though I heartfully acknowledge that they are not animals):

1. Dogs have a dog psychology, not a human psychology. Cesar says that we tend to humanize dog behavior with our own human psychology. Dogs need an alpha dog to lead the pack, to show them how to live. If you don't become the alpha dog, they will. Dogs also live in the present moment, not in the past and the future. Sounds like the ways things work with youth to me. If there is not a clear leader, then youth will take the reins. The ability to live in the present is often under-appreciated by adults, but we are often poor at this. This also means that the lesson you taught youth yesterday could be forgotten today and then tomorrow. The lessons have to be repeated over and over.

2. Dogs respond best to calm, assertive energy. Cesar says that Oprah is the best example of this, although I've seen her lose her "cool" a few times. Dogs, like youth, can feel the energy. When we get frustrated, they can feel it, and often that energy damages the relationship. From deep within our core, we can respond to youth in a calm, assertive way. I find myself wanting to be in check when my anger starts to rise. Maybe I'm taking their actions or behaviors personally. Maybe I'm making too much of something or come with unrealistic expectations.

3. Dogs need exercise, nutrition, and affection--in that order!! Last week, during Spring Break, we had a day with the teen boys devoted to basketball. We played from 1 PM, took a short supper break, and then played until 8:00PM. This verified a theory that Matt Hurley, a co-worker of mine, and I have held. These boys could play ball all day long. Around 4:30 PM, I noticed that the teens starting picking at each other and getting annoyed a little bit easier. Time to load up and eat at CiCi's Pizza. Throughout the day, we had times to stop and talk about being role models for the younger guys and how well they could do that. They listened a lot better because the first two needs were met.

4. Dogs get frustrated and need ways to channel that energy. Cesar points out that dogs get so much energy built up that they get frustrated and don't know what to do with it all. He tends to work with strong breeds of dogs the most since they are such high-energy dogs and owners don't know how to help them. He will get a Pit Bull on a leash, put some roller blades on, and go for a ride. The Pit Bull won't listen to anything before the ride. After the challenge of keeping up with Cesar, he is tired and better able to listen. I believe that youth have the same trouble, so much frustration is built up which comes out in awkward or hurtful ways. This can be redirected into exercise or an activity as a distraction, and then you can talk later about what was going on back there.

5. Dogs need to be rehabilitated, owners need to be trained. Cesar believes that since dogs are naturally pack animals, as they live with humans, they forget how to be dogs. In his words, he needs to help them to "learn how to be a dog again." He rehabs them and helps the owners to know how to let their dog be a dog. Often I wonder how much of problems that arise with youth is the junk--emotional baggage, sins unconfessed, addictions, misunderstandings from not listening-- that parents/adults carry in themselves. This is the junk that we then pass onto them. Don't get me wrong, I believe youth can be rebellious and choose wrong. I just think that youth, in the city or suburbs or rural areas, often have to grow up way too fast because adults are not being the grown-ups that they should be. Teens often need to "learn how to be youth again" in this season of life.

What Kills the spirit

Tonight I did pick-ups for the teen girls' weekly Bible Study fellowship. My wife Sarah and Taryn Towers do a wonderful job loving on these young ladies on Tuesday nights. What I thought would be a quick first stop ended up in a conversation about how life changes directions.

Jay (not his real name), the boyfriend to one of the teen's relatives, informed me that the teen girl I was looking for was out of control and was not to be found. He related this situation to his life. His mom taught him a healthy fear of her authority. He would never do wrong in front of her or be disrespectful toward her. At the same time, he still allowed himself the option to do wrong when she was not around to see. Before he went through that door though, he had followed a good path. He was active in sports, especially football. He asked his mom to come to his games. She said that she was too busy or had too much work to do. He kept asking her. He pleaded with her to come to his games. She still would not come. Then he started missing practices, or he would go to practice but not really give it his all. He developed relationships with some guys who ran the streets. Finally, he gave up football. He got hooked to life on the streets--gangs and drugs. Eventually, he had to learn the hard way, serving time in the state penitentiary.

Upon reflecting on his mother's unwillingness to come to his football games, he said, "I don't know. I guess it just killed my spirit to play." You could feel the tender hurt in his statement. That was a big part of his life story. He sees now that he could have decided to play just for himself. Toward the end of the conversation, he said, "When I have kids, I am going to do all that I can to be there for them at their games, even if I have to lose my job or something." I believe him.

Restore

Last May, the teens at the Contact Church had just about finished a good evening of fellowship on a Friday night. Then chaos broke out over some trash talk about who won or lost the last basketball game. In the process, two teen guys got up in each other’s faces, ready for who knows what. What eventually happened is that one of the guys made a serious threat toward the other guy. The words “I’m gonna shoot you if…” flew out of the mouth of one young man. This was new territory for me. In all my days as an urban youth minister, I had not encountered this kind of threat on another teen. The teen admitted that he said it. For the safety of others, we told him to stop coming to Contact.

What didn’t stop was the development of a game plan to help this teen get restored back to a right relationship with the other guy, the Contact Church, and the Lord. I contacted an organization called Urban Youth Worker’s Institute and asked if anyone in this field of ministry had ever encountered a similar situation. One person replied that something like this happened in California. Two guys got into it with each other, and a youth leader stepped in to help resolve the situation. He ended up taking the two teens on a boating trip to help do something fun together. In the midst of the trip, there was some stormy weather. The boys were desperately working to get water out of the boat, and needless to say, their relationship grew in that moment.

One youth worker named Detra sent this to me:

Furthermore, when we talk about apologizing, this youth also needs to know that he should be asking for forgiveness not just saying “I’m sorry.” He also needs to know that in spite of the discipline he will get, that the ministry still loves and forgives him as Jesus does. My biggest concern is that if you decide not to let him back into the ministry, there may be some unresolved issues that could result in future problems. Win him over as Jesus did, with lots and lots of LOVE. If he trusts you or one of your youth leaders enough, you will be able to win him over.

I thought that she said well the things that we (Contact Staff, parents of the two teens, and myself) were wrestling with in this process of restoration. What does true repentance look like for the teen who made the threat? He and I talked about that. He was getting anger management counseling at school that helped him to develop an approach to fights at school that was way less reactive. At one moment last fall, he seemed ready to ask for forgiveness. When I went to pick him up to meet the other guy and his mom, I asked if he was ready. He said, “I guess so,” with little or no interest in going to make things right. I was not about to drag him off to apologize, so he stayed home that day to mull it over some more.

Restoration does happen. A few weeks ago, the two teen guys sat with me in a Braum’s restaurant parking lot to get right with each other. The teen who made the threat said what he needed to, and the other guy apologized as well. The following Sunday they stood up in front of the church together. The first teen said that he made a big mistake, regretted it, and had learned what to do when there’s a fight. The other teen stood by him and apologized because it “takes two people to have a fight.” The response was overwhelming from the adults in the church. Many came up there to pray with them. After the prayer, I got to see adults hugging this teen who had made this threat. As we hugged him, we got to reflect the unseen God in a visible form with lots of LOVE, like Detra suggested. He got to meet the God who is “kind to the ungrateful and the wicked” (Luke 6: 35). The one that I have met and known along the Way.